Dangerous Republicans, Constipated Democrats, Surprising Standouts
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Tim Miller: There’s three weeks till the midterms. Who are the most dangerous Republicans, constipated Democrats, and surprising standouts on the ballots?
Sherman Schrader (Jonah Hill in Accepted): Scared? I’m not scared. You’re scared.
Miller: This is “Not My Party” brought to you by The Bulwark. So sometimes it feels easy to lump all the pols together as trash. So as we hit the home stretch, I wanted to separate out the most batshit crazy, the worst campaigns, and the diamonds in the rough to help you navigate the most important races.
Unattractive giant monster (from Futurama): Okay, deep breath, deep breath.
Miller: So let’s map out the midterm madness, shuffle up, and dive right into the action. And . . . go! We land in Georgia where we find Mr. Preposterous, Herschel Walker. I just. . . If this man becomes a senator, we are officially in Idiocracy.
Announcer (from Idiocracy): Ladies and gentlemen, the president of America!
Miller: At the debate last week, dude waved around an honorary badge because he thinks it makes him a real cop.
Eric Cartman (from South Park): I’m a cop, and you will respect my authority.
Miller: Guy’s so dumb that he thinks if you get the key to the city, you can use it to actually unlock the door. Plus, he lied about paying for his girlfriend’s abortion while wanting to ban abortion for everyone else, no exception. He has multiple secret children he doesn’t parent despite lecturing about deadbeat dads. His own MAGA memelord kid is even done with him.
Christian Walker: Family values people: He has four kids, four different women, wasn’t in the house raising one of them. . . . Everything has been a lie. . . . I’m done.
Andre Lee (from Inside Job): Let them fight.
Miller: Next round—and go! We’ve landed on three for one, the denialists. In Arizona, there’s Kari Lake running for governor and Mark Finchem for secretary of state. In Pennsylvania, It’s Doug Mastriano running for governor, and he can appoint his own secretary of state. Now you hear a lot about all the GOP election deniers.
News commentator voiceover: These are people who refuse to accept the results of the 2020 election. They’re Stop the Steal supporters and conspiracy theorists.
Miller: But these three stand out as the most dangerous. Lake is so committed to the Big Lie, even Trump thinks she’s extra.
Kari Lake: I talked to President Trump, he goes, “I love it. No matter what I ask you, you always bring it right back to the election. . . . How are the kids doing?” “Well, you know, Leo just graduated, but I’m worried about him because our elections are rotten and dirty and filthy and we don’t have a country.”
Claire Underwood (Robin Wright on House of Cards): Where’s the proof?
Miller: Finchem was a member of the Oath Keepers and posted Nazi shit on . . . Pinterest?
Andrew Kaczynski: Pinterest is usually for sharing photos of dogs, fashion, food maybe. . . . He used it where he compared Obama to Nazi Germany.
Miller: Mastriano went to the insurrection and was honored with a special sword at a conference for QAnon freaks.
Clark Thompson (Ben Falcone on God’s Favorite Idiot): Quick question, why do you have a giant sword?
Al Dillon (Carl Weathers in Predator): Why don’t you?
Miller: If in 2024 the election comes down to Arizona or Pennsylvania, which is totally possible since they’re key swing states, then these freaks could lead us to a civil war-level constitutional crisis if they live up to their promise to never certify a Democratic victory. These are the three most important elections in the country.
Jacob (Anthony Rapp in Road Trip): Such a worrier.
Loki variant (Tom Hiddleston on Loki): What could possibly go wrong?
Miller: Now let’s spin again. And . . . go! Another depressing threesome. The most constipated Dem campaigns. Ready for this? No Democrat in America is running a worse or more blocked-up campaign than Katie Hobbs, candidate for governor in Arizona.
Fletcher Reede (Jim Carrey in Liar Liar): Oh, come on!
Miller: She’s refused to debate Kari Lake. Columnists say she has a deer-in-the-headlights look. She can’t answer simple questions about things like her abortion position, and yet our democracy is kind of relying on this person to win.
News anchor: Katie Hobbs’s team officially declining to debate Republican Kari Lake.
Blanche Lovell (Jean Speegle Howard in Apollo 13): Are you scared?
Lana Kane (on Archer): Shut up.
Miller: In Georgia and Texas, former Democratic stars have struggled to get a real movement going. Once again, Stacey Abrams and Beto got swept up with the national celebrity, but it hasn’t landed with the locals.
BoJack Horseman (on BoJack Horseman): Well, that’s depressing.
Miller: Last round. Let’s hope for something better. Jackpot. A lightnin’ round of hot toddies. Let’s roll through ’em. Josh Shapiro in Pennsylvania and Wes Moore in Maryland are impressive Democrats running for governor against crazy insurrectionists. I love Will Rollins, a gay former Republican staffer running for Congress against a corrupt Republican in Palm Springs.
Bart Simpson (on The Simpsons): Sounds familiar.
Miller: Abigail Spanberger, an awesome moderate Democrat running for house in Richmond, Virginia, ran this ad with her former GOP counterpart.
Denver Riggleman: This is not a typical political ad. I’m a Republican congressman saying nice things about a Democrat . . . Abigail Spanberger.
Miller: And in my home state of Colorado, two sleeper picks. Both of these races are long shots, but it’s not impossible that they’ll win. Adam Frisch is just a normal dude running for Congress against looney-tunes Lauren Boebert in Colorado 3.
Xanthippe Voorhees (Dylan Gelula on The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt): She’s the worst.
Miller: And Joe O’Dea, a Republican who actually showed some balls in his race for Senate. You know you’re doing something right as a Republican when Trump sends a Truth about you that looks like that.
Liz Lemon (Tina Fey on 30 Rock): Are you still banned from Twitter?
Tom Cruise (playing Austin Powers in Goldmember cameo): Yeah, baby.
Miller: That’s all we got. Midterms are three weeks away. Make a plan to vote. We’ll see you next week for more “Not My Party.”