Kevin McCarthy’s Big Weak
[Editor’s note: Watch Not My Party every week on Snapchat.]
Tim Miller: For the first time in 100 years a party won the House but couldn’t elect a speaker.
Cheryl L. Johnson: A speaker has not been elected.
Fangs Fogarty (Drew Ray Tanner on Riverdale): But wait, there is more.
Tim Miller: It dragged on and on and on, and this process previews the Republican party dumpster fire to come.
British guy: It’s a sh**show!
Tim Miller: This is “Not My Party,” brought to you by The Bulwark. Kevin McCarthy wished and wished to be speaker of the House.
Roger (from American Dad): Do wishes come true?
Oscar Martinez (Oscar Nunez on The Office): I’m sorry, Kevin.
Tim Miller: His whole career has been a desperate attempt to put his Muppet face on a portrait in the Capitol’s hallowed halls.
Harry Leit (David Bowe on Lois & Clark): My motives are purely altruistic, I assure you.
Tim Miller: Seven years ago, he was on the cusp of getting that wish. He was the next man in line after weepy John Boehner retired.
Cliff Clavin (John Ratzenberger on Cheers): It’s okay for a man to cry.
Tim Miller: But the former high school football player fumbled on the one-yard line. He accidentally admitted that the Benghazi investigations were a political stunt.
Kevin McCarthy: Everybody thought Hillary Clinton was unbeatable but we put together a Benghazi special committee. What are her numbers today?
Kate McCallister (Catherine O’Hara in Home Alone): Kevin!
Homer Simpson (from The Simpsons): D’oh.
Tim Miller: Which made his team look terrible. So they benched him. This time the classic establishment Republican tried a new approach. He figured he could get to the speakership by being second to none in sucking up to Donald Trump.
Sheldon Cooper (Jim Parsons on The Big Bang Theory): No one’s ever done that before.
Tim Miller: He even went so far as to pick the Starburst colors Trump doesn’t like out of a jar before giving it to him as a gift. This dude has groveled for the gavel.
Glenn Quagmire (from Family Guy): Have some self-respect.
Tim Miller: And this week he’s been denied his prize possession repeatedly losing on ballot after ballot after ballot in humiliating fashion.
Butters Stotch (from South Park): Oh gee, that’s embarrassing.
Tim Miller: Whipped into submission by a crew of nihilist ultra-MAGA House Republicans made in Trump’s image.
Molly Park (Krista Marie Yu on Dr. Ken): He’s a real role model.
Tim Miller: The nineteen Republicans who started the uprising have been called the “Taliban caucus” by some of their own colleagues. They include alleged underage sex trafficker, Matt Gaetz—
Matt Gaetz: Donald John Trump.
Tim Miller: —Mary Miller, who complimented Hitler in a pro-coup speech the day before the insurrection—
Mary Miller: Hitler was right on one thing.
Hank Hill (from King of the Hill): Shut your mouth.
Tim Miller: —and Ralph Norman, who wanted Trump to declare “Marshall Law” to stay in power. (Yeah, he did misspell “martial.” Homophones are a bitch.)
“Calamity” Jane Canary (Robin Weigert on Deadwood): What a goddamn circus!
Tim Miller: And the scariest part, this group of nineteen demonstrated they have control over the other 203 House Republicans. By flexing their power, they demonstrated that the next speaker must accede to their demands. And the new speaker will be on a historically short leash.
Meg Griffin (from Family Guy): My house now, bitch.
Tim Miller: So expect stupid investigations, prosecuting Fauci, sabotaging Ukraine funds, shutting down the government, and whatever crazy fad comes next.
Tim Miller: First laptop?
Bronwyn Rojas (Marianly Tejada on One of Us Is Lying): The Republican leadership is so weak that they can’t even deal with the new craziness surrounding George Santos—if that’s your real name—who lied about his college degree, his work, his religion, everything. He claimed his mom died in 9/11.
Claire Underwood (Robin Wright on House of Cards): That’s awful.
Tim Miller: Santos is wanted in Brazil for stealing a dying patient’s checks so that he could buy shoes.
The Duke (from Solar Opposites): What a piece of ****.
Tim Miller: Dude is a walking red flag. If your friend brought him home for Christmas, you’d tell them to run as fast as possible before they got Dahmered. A normal party with a strong leader would have had Santos out on his before he could say “Jew-ish.”
George Santos: Guys, I’m Jew-ish.
Albert “Pops” Solomon (George Segal on The Goldbergs): Oy vey.
Tim Miller: But there he sits along with the rest of them. These Republicans are enabling that sociopathic creep along with all the rest because they got smoked in the midterms, shredded their integrity during the Trump years and now need every vote they can get.
Frasier Crane (Kelsey Grammer on Cheers): What a bunch of losers.
Tim Miller: Nihilists con-men, chaos: This is the reality of the new Republican nuthouse and it’s not changing any time soon. So Kevin or whoever ends up finally getting the speakership, congratulations on the painting and the title. Bur as the old saying goes—
Tony Soprano (James Gandolfini on The Sopranos): Be careful what you wish for. You just might get it.
Tim Miller: We’ll see you next week for more “Not My Party.”