Not My Party: What I Stand For

I want to take this holiday break to dish out my values for you.

[Editor’s note: Watch Not My Party every week on Snapchat.]

Marcee Tidwell (Regina King in Jerry Maguire): What do you stand for?

Tim Miller: Well, for starters, I—

Stannis Baratheon: What do you believe?

Miller: I was gonna get into that a little later.

Randy Marsh: Are those good moral values?

Miller: I think so, because—

Gravity Falls kids: Tell us! Tell us! Tell us!

Miller: Fine, okay, let’s get at it. This is Not My Party, brought to you by The Bulwark.

So Turkey Day is here and I’m so thankful for all the Not My Partiers out there who’ve been tuning in every week, and I’ve gotten your feedback. By now, y’all get my general vibe and you’re really clear on what I hate.

And welcome back to What Miller Hates Most. Behind Door Number 3, we have Bernie and his brosefs. Behind Door Number 2, we have Taylor Swift, and Team Jake since Brokeback Mountain. And of course, behind Door Number One, we have Donald Trump and his rage hustlers. Thank you for tuning in again. Bye bye!

Horace Slughorn: That was fun.

But as for what I stand for. Well, some of y’all aren’t quite so sure. You think maybe I stand for nothing.

Alexander Hamilton: If you stand for nothing, what’ll you fall for?

Miller: So I want to take this holiday break to dish out my values for you. These three principles are my political north stars.

One, we should make sure that people have the opportunity to live a life of purpose and meaning. Every single one of us.

Two, government should do a few big things right and then get out of the way.

And three, the American democratic free-market system is a force for good in the world. It needs to be promoted, protected, and defended.

Refrain from Team America: World Police: America, fuck yeah.

Miller: As for one, that means yeah, I’m pro-life when it comes to abortion. I just don’t know how you can sit next to a mom who’s looking at an ultrasound and not believe that the being inside them is a life that has value and needs to be protected, but this is about more than fetuses. It also means a support system for the mom who’s facing a tough choice, and welcoming refugees, and not putting kids in cages at the border. And oh yeah, when it comes to a deadly pandemic, it also means not starting a stupid-ass culture war over vaccines and masks that gets people killed.

For number two, let me just give you an example of how government can do some big, important things, right and then get out of the way. To handle climate change—which is real, by the way—let’s pour tons of money into research on clean energy and pay for infrastructure to protect communities vulnerable to floods and fires.

Peter Parker: That would be nice.

Miller: I’d even be okay with taxing carbon. John McCain was for that.

John McCain: My friends, it’s working in . . . countries around the world.

Miller: But after that, let the private sector get to work. And by God, please let’s not have bureaucrats draft pages and pages of red tape that make it impossible for people to do anything. Here in California we have a housing crisis and have spent a gazillion dollars on a train that isn’t even close to existing yet. Thanks in part to these dumbass rules.

Henry McCord: I love bureaucracy.

Miller: And for number three—and I think this might trigger some of you, maybe the most: The American system of democratic government, free markets, and free people is the best thing that ever happened to the world.

Allison Hargreeves: Tell me how you really feel.

Miller: So for starters, we need to protect it. And not let orange-faced clowns and Confederate-flag-wielding bozos try to overthrow it. And we must maintain our status as a world leader that promotes these values. Sure, we’ve fucked up, but our system has also allowed more people to escape poverty and tyranny than any in world history. And if we stop leading the world, our replacement won’t be a utopia. It will be some dark authoritarian shit, and you can see it starting to happen right now.

Kenneth Parcell: That would be terrible.

Miller: Well, it might seem like a mouthful. My pals at the Neoliberal Project managed to put most of my views on one little yard sign. If being a yard sign guy wasn’t so lame, I’d put that in front of my house. So while I can’t claim that this show is unbiased, whatever that means, I can always promise I’ll be honest with you and you’ll know where I’m coming from.

Sam Wheat: Scout’s honor.

Miller: So happy Thanksgiving, y’all, have fun with the fam. We’ll see you next week for more Not My Party.