The MAGA Trashiest Police Report in History
Over the weekend I began receiving some texts about a rumored police report featuring former Trump campaign manager Corey Lewandowski and his supercalifragilisticexpihalitosis.
The first said that this police report was “bonkers” and that in it Lewandowski is alleged to “[brag] about stabbing two people to death.” The second text upped the ante to 11 murders. Big if true!
But I have to admit that while intrigued, I was a tad skeptical.
Despite the fact that Donald Trump’s political braintrust is marked by chowderheads with acid-destroyed bathtubs, abortion-pill cocktails, and deranged, coup-plotting generals, the notion of a serial stabber as ex-campaign manager seemed too ridiculous to be true.
It also flew in the face of my most sacred maxim for assessing what is happening in politics: “When in doubt it’s Veep, not House of Cards.”
But after I saw the full statement provided to authorities by Trashelle Odom, I realized that at long last we may have found the point at which this maxim breaks down.
Because the Lewandowski Affair wasn’t a binary choice between Veep or House of Cards. It’s Veep and House of Cards. The singularity had been achieved.
Breathe in the tl;dr in all its glory:
While drunkenly assaulting a married woman at an addiction-awareness fundraiser in a private “banquet room” at the Las Vegas Benihana, Trump campaign manager Corey Lewandowski allegedly boasted that he had stabbed multiple people to death.
And it only gets better from there.
No matter what you think you know about this incident or have seen about it on Twitter dot com, Mrs. Odom’s allegations are more disturbing and delicious than your wildest dreams. So let us walk through it together. You can read her statement here.
Trashelle Odom’s night began in a Vegas Strip party bus where she was accompanied by her sister, as well as Matt “After the Pussy-Grabbing Tape, I Decided to Double Down on Trump” Schlapp, and other assorted Trumpsters.
While on the bus she received the kind of offer no one from the MAGA jet set could refuse: The last ticket to a private dinner in a midscale hibachi chain featuring the governor of South Dakota.
The only catch was that due to the exclusivity of the gathering, Mrs. Odom would have to come alone. This being the type of life experience a multimillionaire construction baroness couldn’t pass up, she ditched her sister and made a beeline for Benihana.
When Mrs. Odom arrived grillside, she discovered that she was to be seated between Bubba Saulsbury and Corey Lewandowski, which I can testify from experience is an unfortunately malodorous draw as far as seatmates are concerned.
But for Mrs. Odom it was exciting on its face. She was seated next to someone who ran her man Donald Trump’s 2016 campaign, was appointed by the president to the Pentagon’s business board and who was in bestowed a prestigious Harvard Kennedy School fellowship despite previous credible assault allegations! Owning the libs and notching another win for viewpoint diversity, all in one shot!
Sadly Mrs. Odom’s excitement dissipated almost immediately. A married mother of five, when Odom sat at the table she was initially regaled with a little locker-room talk between two upstanding gentlemen who had bestowed upon one another the nickname “Cheese Dick.”
It is at this point that Papa Dicky Lewandowski saw an opportunity to make his opening conversational gambit. He announced to the table that his “dick is four inches longer than a normal dick.” (Not mentioned in the police report: The sample size Lewandowski has perused in order to be able to make this claim.)
From there, Mrs. Odom says that Lewandowski began to “come on to her aggressively,” stating that he works out twice a day (do you even lift, bro?), runs 400 miles a week (quick math says this is two marathons a day), and can last eight hours at a time in the sack (what woman doesn’t want a late-middle-aged sad dad grinding on her for a full eight-hour shift).
At least Corey didn’t offer to help her with her poopies?
According to the police report, Lewandowski went on to tell Mrs. Odom that he was staying in the “Elvis Suite.” However, the grandeur of his prior claims made Mrs. Odom’s mind suspicious, and further inquiry revealed he was actually staying in regular-old room 2991, adjacent to hers.
Hoping for a little less conversation about Corey’s dick, Mrs. Odom inquired, naturally, about his wife and children. Lewandowski easily parried this brush-off, answering that “he does not do anything with his wife, he gets his sex elsewhere” before allowing that South Dakota Gov. Kristi Noem, the night’s keynote speaker, and his . . . umm . . . client? . . . was “hot.”
Then Lewandoski, in the style of a trust-fund teen asking someone if they know who their dad is, proceeded to repeatedly note that he was “very powerful” and “can destroy anyone.”
He said that he was “close with President [Editor’s Note: former president] Trump and can get anyone elected or take anyone out.” It was at this point that Lewandowski veered into a reflection on his younger days as an imaginary street tough.
A graduate of Cranbrook, err Lowell Catholic college preparatory school, 35 minutes northwest of Boston, Lewandowski told Mrs. Odom that he was from a “bad area in Boston” and claimed that he had committed multiple murders in his youth.
Mrs. Odom laughed and tried to dismiss this aside as another example of Alpha MAGA Bros being Alpha MAGA Bros, but then her night took a turn from grimly humorous to harrowing.
Lewandowski pressed through her attempts to give him a “just joking” off-ramp and laid out in detail the murders he claims to have committed. The first, at age 10, he “stabbed someone over and over killing them.” He continued that when he was older he “stabbed another man in the back of the head, also killing him.”
Seems like the kind of specific reflections that may warrant review from local authorities in Lowell and the surrounding areas. I hear there are a whole lot of unsolved murders in the Boston area!
Following this bit of homicidal foreplay, Lewandowski began menacing Mrs. Odom.
As Politico first reported, Lewandowski began making aggressive, unwanted sexual advances. He touched her hand, her leg, and her back. He grabbed her napkin off her lap and tried to touch her leg again. He described an area where he was “sore” from a workout on the side of his butt and then touched Odom in that spot.
She became “visibly scared.” Another guest asked if she was okay. She texted her sister “wtf” but was afraid to text “help” because Lewandowski kept looking at her phone. Over the course of the substance-abuse awareness soiree, Lewandowski continued ordering drinks for Odom and himself, despite the fact that she was not partaking. (He was drinking for two.) Lewandowski also availed himself of her cutlery, taking “her fork” and “eating her steak.”
Power move, broseph.
Mrs. Odom reports that she then began seeking help. She asked another attendee for “help getting away from Corey” and walked around a corner to call her sister. Lewandowski followed her, glaring, and demanding to know who she was talking to. He then followed her to the elevator saying “nice ass” over and over again.
At that point a fellow attendee apologized and told Mrs. Odom that “Corey does this a lot.”
As Odom walked out of the restaurant, Lewandowski chucked his drink at her, it landed on her shoe and dress, and he then called her “stupid.”
It is at this point that we should all stop, take a breath, and reflect for a moment that this man is one of the closest advisors to the former president of the United States who is, by the by, the overwhelming frontrunner for the Republicans’ 2024 presidential nomination.
Mrs. Odom’s torment was not yet at an end. After the dinner she went to gather her sister and her stepson. Together they attended a post-Benihana reception with Noem. Naturally, Lewandowski was there, too.
At the reception Mrs. Odom wanted to introduce her family to the governor, but before she could make the introductions, Noem volunteered that she was “texting Corey to stop touching [her]” during the dinner.
“This was confusing for her stepson,” Mrs. Odom said.
It is also a bit confusing for the rest of us.
Why was Noem texting Corey about the touching, rather than doing something about it? To my knowledge Gov. Noem has not put out any statements regarding this very limp, private effort to stop her . . . consultant? . . . from committing sexual assault.
According to the police report, following the exchange with Noem, Lewandowski again stalked Odom throughout the reception, touching her on the back. She sought out other donors to help shield her. One of these donors was the second person to tell her that “Corey is always like this.”
Once it became clear to Corey that his PUA moves were falling flat—just like a woman to set up these endless shit tests, amiright?— he gave up and went back to Noem.
According to the report, “after some period of time, it appeared as though Gov. Noem and Corey left.” The report does not provide further detail.
In the days following the incident Lewandowski called Mrs. Odom’s husband. By that time Mr. Macho MAGA had been cucked. According to the report he was “distraught and scared. He said he had been intoxicated.”
He declined to remind Mr. Odom that At Benihana, it’s not just a meal, it’s an experience.
This police report, of course, is just one side of the story. Maybe Lewandowski’s version of events will be different. Maybe the whole thing will turn out to be a hilarious mixup, the kind of sitcom setup that everyone laughs about later. Ross said to Rachel, “I stabbed five guys!” And Chandler says, “Ix-nay on the abby-stay!”
But also: Maybe not?
In the report it is alleged that Donald Trump’s 2016 campaign manager, a man who has been accused publicly of assaulting women on at least two occasions, is widely known within the upper echelons of the Trump donor world as a belligerent harasser and that he claims to have a violent past that includes committing multiple homicides. (In fairness, it’s possible that Lewandowski was only pretending to have committed homicides—that he wanted Mrs. Odom to take him seriously, not literally.)
What is beyond a doubt is that for a half decade this man has persisted as a major—at times singular—power center within Donald Trump’s circles.
This is not surprising. Assaulting women was a feature, not a bug, in the Trump campaign. Though it is puzzling that so many other Trump apologists manage to cash checks and press forward without ever being confronted with the fact that they were part of an organized harassment ring.
One clue as to why came after the report became public.
John Odom, husband to the woman who was assaulted and fearing for her safety, offered a note of appreciation to the former president, thanking him for taking “swift and decisive action” against Lewandowski. Swift! Lol.
I guess we just have to remember that if you’re a star, they let you do it.
And Corey isn’t shining any longer.