The GOP’s ‘Play Stupid Games, Win Stupid Prizes’ Moment

The party could have spared itself—and the country—this terrible spectacle.

Tim Miller: Indictment three jubilee.

Matthew McConaughey: All right, all right, all right.

Fedha “PinkyDoll” Sinon: Yes, yes, yes. Gang gang!

Miller: This is “Not My Party,” brought to you by The Bulwark. Speaking for my fellow Never Trumpers, we’re still not tired of all the winning.

Donald Trump: Please, please. It’s too much winning.

Miller: The twice-impeached, disgraced Mar-A-Lago wedding DJ has been indicted for the third time, and this one is the big kahuna.

Rose Solano (Bridget Regan on Jane the Virgin): Finally.

Miller: It does come after a long wait. The Department of Justice spent too much time, in my view, worried about the shaman guy with the horns and the other nonviolent January 6ers rather than going straight at the head honcho, the guy who brought them all to the Mall on that fateful day.

Brad Simon (Adam Demos on Sex/Life): That would make way too much sense.

Miller: But ever since Merrick Garland has appointed this badass, the tide has turned. Yep, we’re looking at the new hotness, Special Counsel Jack Smith.

Mugatu (Will Ferrell in Zoolander): So hot right now.

Miller: This corruption terminator has been a man on a mission, with a laser focus on Trump—with a few short breaks for a $5 footlong.

J.R. Scheimpough (from Inside Job): What a monster.

Miller: Smith’s first indictment was in the classified documents case, which now has a trial date for May 2024, right in the heat of a general election campaign.

Lunella Lafayette (from Moon Girl): But that’s like a year!

Miller: Now, he’s turned to the insurrection.

John Dickerson: CBS News has learned that a federal grand jury has voted to indict the former president for his attempt to overturn the results of an election he lost up to and including his role in the January 6th attack on the U.S. Capitol.

Scott MacFarlane: It’s a 45-page indictment with four felony charges: conspiracy to defraud the United States; conspiracy to obstruct an official proceeding; obstruction of and attempting to obstruct an official proceeding; and conspiracy against rights.

Miller: That’s a hell of a laundry list of felony counts for Orangina. I think at a moment like this, it’s important to step back and appreciate just how insane this all is. The Republican party is poised to nominate someone who’s facing at least three separate active criminal trials.

Danny McGuire (Gene Kelly in Xanadu): What’s so weird about that?

Miller: It’s not a great visual to be sitting in court like O.J. during your own presidential campaign. Just as a matter of self-preservation you’d think the Republican party would try something—anything—to change course. But time after time, they’ve refused to accept the short-term pain required to rid themselves of their criminal cult leader.

Kevin McCarthy: The president bears responsibility for Wednesday’s attack on Congress by mob rioters.

Robot in dumpster: Yes, yes, yes.

McCarthy (voiceover from recorded phone call, describing a conversation with Trump): And it would be my recommendation you should resign.

McCarthy (to interviewer): I never asked the president to resign. And I never thought he should resign.

Nathan (from South Park): You gotta be fucking kidding me.

Thomas Tucker (from South Park): Why can’t you quit him?

Miller: In February 2021, Republican senators could have convicted Trump following his second impeachment and prevented him by law from running again. You’d think that would have been a smart strategy for somebody like Senator Tim Scott, who was planning to run against Trump. He could have taken his toughest opponent and his party’s biggest liability off the field entirely. But nah! Scott and 42 other Republicans voted to acquit.

DJ Khaled: Congratulations, you played yourself.

Miller: Mitch McConnell, whose wife Trump repeatedly insults with the racist nickname “Coco Chow,” also voted to acquit. He explained in his floor speech that he thought the legal system should hold Trump to account. Fast-forward three years and the legal system is indeed trying its hardest to hold Trump accountable. But what’s his party doing now? Attacking everyone involved as partisan and corrupt, and repeating Trump’s talking points that he’s being unfairly targeted by the Deep State.

Moe Szyslak (from The Simpsons): Just a bunch of spineless weasels.

Miller: So you know the old saying “play stupid games, win stupid prizes”? Well, if the GOP doesn’t stop playing these stupid games and enabling Trump’s criminal behavior, their prize is going to be a thrice-indicted presidential nominee who’s raising his right hand in court while Joe Biden is out at a campaign stop in Wisconsin licking ice cream.

Anabela Ysidro-Campos (Ginger Gonzaga on Space Force): Not a good look.

Miller: See you next week for more “Not My Party.”