[Editor’s note: Watch Not My Party every week on Snapchat.]
Tim Miller: Politics is full of lying, sniveling cucks. But secret audio just dropped, and it might reveal the biggest frauds of them all.
Luci from Disenchantment: I foresee trouble in someone’s future.
“Matt Lauer” (parody from South Park): Okay, well let’s roll the tape on that.
Miller: This is “Not My Party,” brought to you by The Bulwark. Politicians are natural fibbers.
Bill Clinton: I did not have sexual relations with that woman.
George W. Bush: We found the weapons of mass destruction.
Mac (Rob McElhenney from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia): That is bullshit!
Miller: They pretend to like people they actually hate all the time.
Joe Biden: Mitch, we really are friends.
Mitch McConnell: I’ve known, liked, and personally respected Joe Biden for many years.
Peter Parker (Tobey Maguire version): I don’t believe this . . . I don’t believe you.
Miller: But a new book called This Will Not Pass uncovered some politician deception that’s a little different than the norm.
Grandson (Fred Savage from The Princess Bride): A book?
Grandpa (Peter Falk): A special book.
Miller: The book revealed that in private, a couple prominent politicians unequivocally slandered the former president. One called him “despicable,” and a “son of a bitch.” He said about January 6th, “If that’s not impeachable, I don’t know what is.” The second said he would tell Trump that “he should resign,” and that he’s “responsible for the attack on the Capitol.”
Kent Brockman: Strong, bewildering words.
Miller: Let’s be clear here, these guys were not just saying that they didn’t like Trump’s mean tweets or whatever. They believed he caused the death of five people, and injuries to dozens of police officers who protect them. They thought he was so dangerous that he had to be removed from office. So who are these snivelers?
Ollivander (John Hurt from Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone): I wonder.
Willow Rosenberg (Alyson Hannigan from Buffy the Vampire Slayer): It could be anyone.
Miller: Behind quote number one, we have—yep!—Republican Senate Leader Mitch McConnell. And behind quote number two. . .
Kyle from The Simpsons: Who could it be?
Gabby Gabby (Christina Hendricks from Toy Story 4): I’m so nervous.
Miller: You guessed it: Republican House Leader Kevin McCarthy.
Gandalf (Ian McKellen in The Fellowship of the Ring): I might have known.
Miller: Now let’s contrast those quotes with what these pricks are peddling in public.
Kevin McCarthy: President Trump has done a fantastic job. I trust what the president will do.
Bret Baier: If the president was the party’s nominee, would you support him?
Mitch McConnell: Absolutely.
Camille Engelson (Allison Scagliotti on Stitchers): I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.
Miller: These cowards continue to slob that despicable son of a bitch’s knob, even though he has no power at all. Trump’s spending his night DJing for cougars at his D-list country club.
Donald Trump: You know what gets ’em rocking? “YMCA.” You know?
Kyle Forgeard: It’s an underrated track.
Miller: In short, McConnell and McCarthy have been politically cuckolded by a conman. How much more pathetic could they be? Would they let him degrade their wives? Don’t answer that, Ted Cruz.
Tom Llamas (voiceover): Trump would retweet this image: Cruz’s wife in an unflattering pose next to Melania Trump.
Ted Cruz: You messed with my wife. . . . Donald, you’re a sniveling coward.
Hallie Jackson: So will you support him as the nominee?
Cruz (later): Donald Trump will be overwhelmingly re-elected as president of the United States.
Miller: Hilariously, when the New York Times published their quotes, Kevin McCarthy thought he was gonna put on his big-boy pants and tell the reporters that they lied. A few hours later, the reporters dropped the audio. Listen for yourself:
Kevin McCarthy: It would be my recommendation you should resign. That would be my take.
Miller: By the way, whoever leaked that phone call: <clapping>. So I guess in the cucked competition between him and Mitch, it’s McCarthy who wins by a hair.
Mitch McConnell puppet from Let’s Be Real: Well, this is just nonsense.
Miller: But the most relevant part of this is what comes next. These two leashed submissives are likely the next Senate majority leader and speaker of the House. So if they win in the midterms, Congress will be run by two guys who’ve been exposed as political puppets for Trump, despite the fact that in private, they wish he were dead.
Janice Valentino from Gravity Falls: That would be awful.
Miller: McConnell’s even quoted in the book as saying he was exhilarated on January 6th because he thought Trump had put a gun to his head and pulled the trigger. Not exactly subtle. So how can anybody trust these guys to do the right thing, after they’ve been revealed to be completely full of shit? If you’re a Trump supporter, you can’t trust ’em. And if you’re a Trump hater, you have to be sickened by this. (I am.) But because of our polarized politics, and the lack of courage in D.C., there might be no way out of this prisoner’s dilemma. All of us are stuck in here with them, and they’re collared by him.
Jeffrey Lebowski: This is a bummer, man. That’s a bummer.
Miller: As a result, we might end up with the weakest congressional leaders in memory, even weaker than these guys, unable to do anything without the permission of a retired, disgraced boomer.
Homer Simpson: Too depressing.
Miller: See you next week for more “Not My Party.”