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Watch The Damn January 6 Hearings

June 16, 2022
The January 6 Hearings are a Huge Deal

[Editor’s note: Watch Not My Party every week on Snapchat.]

Participant in January 6: I am not allowed to say what’s going to happen today because everyone’s just gonna have to watch.

Tim Miller: This is Not My Party, brought to you by The Bulwark. Given all of life’s problems…

Social media vlogger: Justin Bieber revealed that half of his face is paralyzed.

Ellen Griswold (Beverly D’Angelo in the National Lampoon’s ‘Vacation’ series): Oh no!

Miller: The January 6th hearings might seem like more stuffy Congressional hot air, but this time, one of these DC snooze fests actually does map. I know this is a weird concept to wrap your head around, but right now, we are living through the kind of historic moment that could reverberate for generations.

The Stranger (Sam Elliott in The Big Lebowski): Down through the generations.

Miller: Those scandals you learned about in school or from your parents, Clinton’s blowy, Iran-Contra, Watergate, they’re all nothing compared to what Donald Trump did following the last election.

Lisa Simpson: Not even close.

Miller: Here’s Liz Cheney laying it all out.

Rep. Liz Cheney (R-WY): All Americans should keep in mind this fact . . . On the morning of January 6, President Donald Trump’s intention was to remain president of the United States despite the lawful outcome of the 2020 election and in violation of his constitutional obligation to relinquish power. Over multiple months, Donald Trump oversaw and coordinated a sophisticated land to overturn the presidential election and prevent the transfer of presidential power.

Former President Trump: And if you don’t fight like hell, you’re not gonna have a country anymore. We will stop the steal!

J6 participant: You better run cops!

J6 participant: This is our capital!

Miller: That has no modern precedent. Trump succeeding would’ve meant the end of our democracy. The stakes here are genuinely existential. Now Trump’s enablers, they want you to believe this is a nothing burger.

Sean Hannity: It is a made for TV smear campaign.

Tucker Carlson: The whole thing is insulting. In fact, it’s deranged. You might get an insurrection if you behave like that.

Miller: All that spin is just their tactic for gaining power.

Jake Peralta (Andy Samberg, Brooklyn Nine-Nine): Ugh, even sounds evil.

Miller: Because if people judge Trump based on the facts presented, there is no rational conclusion other than unequivocal guilt.

Nicholas Donahue (John Gemberling, Bob’s Burgers): Yeah, that’s the thing.

Miller: Let’s dive into the facts of the hearing. The committee has shown that Trump was happy to let rioters hang his vice president.

J6 participant on a megaphone: Hang Mike Pence!

Fellow J6 participants: Hang Mike Pence!

Miller: I wanna repeat that the president said it was the . . .

Rep. Liz Cheney (R-WY): Right idea. Mike Pence “deserves it”.

Robin (Melanie Chartoff from Seinfeld): He was only joking, Michael!

Miller: Insanity. The rioters even read this heinous tweet, spurring them on.

J6 participant: Mike Pence didn’t have the courage to do what should have been done to protect our country and our Constitution.

Miller: The committee has also shown that the Capitol Police, that thin blue line Republicans pretend to care about, was completely overwhelmed, knocked unconscious.

Capitol Police Officer Caroline Edwards: And I saw friends with blood all over their faces. I was slipping in people’s blood.

Miller: Build that woman a statue. They showed that during all that carnage, the president did nothing. He didn’t call his military leaders or Secret Service or the National Guard or the CIA or the FBI, anyone. The whole government was at the commander-in-chief’s beck and call, and he sat back while the District burned.

Former President Trump: We love you. You’re very special. I know how you feel.

Miller: The committee showed that Trump knew this was all a fraud. His top butt boys all told him that he really lost, but he didn’t care. Here’s his then-campaign manager now trying to cover his own ass on Trump’s attempted coup.

Bill Stepien: I didn’t think what was happening was necessarily honest or professional.

Miller: Here’s his attorney general, Bill Barr, saying that Trump knew the election fraud claims were . . .

Former Attorney General William Barr: Bullshit.

Sue Sylvester (Jane Lynch, Glee): Couldn’t agree more.

Miller: Hell, his own damn daughter agreed.

Ivanka Trump: I respect the attorney general, Barr, so I accepted what he was saying.

Statler (Richard Hunt, The Muppet Show): I love it! I love it!

Miller: In the coming week, there will be even more revelations. So when you’re doom-scrolling the news, understand this: The committee’s report isn’t about partisan politics. It’s about ensuring that America can survive. Want proof? While the fake news monsters at Fox were alone in not airing the prime time hearings—afraid their audience might hear the truth—somehow by accident, one of their old crows did demonstrate why this hearing is credible.

Brit Hume: If they succeed, either by damaging him or staining him, they might end up finding out that they’ve done the Republican party a great service.

Miller: Exactly. Liz Cheney is blowing up her career over this. The Democrats know full well that killing Trump might hurt them in 2024 because he’s so weak.

Miracle Max the Wizard (Billy Crystal, The Princess Bride): That is a noble course.

Miller: But preventing Donald Trump and his dye-dripping dipsomaniacs from impairing our democracy again is worth it. Even if it does end up helping the non-Liz Cheney Republicans who were too cowardly to do anything about it. What is happening right now is bigger than our tribal fights. History is watching. You should be too.

Rep. Liz Cheney (R-WY): I say this to my Republican colleagues, there will come a day when Donald Trump is gone, but your dishonor will remain.

Miller: We’ll see you next week for more Not My Party.

Tim Miller

Tim Miller is The Bulwark’s writer-at-large. He was previously political director for Republican Voters Against Trump, communications director for Jeb Bush 2016, and spokesman for the Republican National Committee.