Anyone with personal experience with turkeys could tell you they are just about the meanest and stupidest farm animals. And they are delicious and nutritious. Not today vegetarianism, not today!
2….. Vance joked about the fact that Americans eat turkey on Thanksgiving.
“Turkey, think about turkey,” Vance said. “Who really likes, be honest with yourself, who really likes turkey?”
After a small number of soldiers raised their hands and cheered, Vance told them: “You’re all full of shit. Everybody who raised your hands.”
As the audience laughed, the current frontrunner to be the Republican nominee for president in 2028 added: “Here’s how I know that every single one of you who raised your hand is lying to me: how many times do you roast an 18-pound turkey, just randomly? Just, you know, a nice summer afternoon, we’re going to go get an 18-pound turkey.”
“Nobody does it because turkey doesn’t actually taste that good,” Vance continued. “But on Thanksgiving… the most American holiday, we’re gonna cook a turkey, by God, because that’s what Americans do! We cook this gigantic American bird, and we do all kinds of crazy things to make it taste good.” (quoting The Guardian)
The turkeys on your dinner table are not wild turkeys. They are domestic turkeys who were deliberately bred to be sedentary and are fed a high calorie diet of corn and soy. By the time they are sent to slaughter, they can barely walk. They are so fat and unhealthy that even the lucky ones who are granted a pardon won’t survive for much longer. The average lifespan of these birds is only 3 years.
Animal sanctuaries are able to extend their lifespans far longer, but it takes a deliberate effort to control their feed and get them moving. There is nothing majestic about these poor birds. They were literally bred to suffer and die young. The only American thing about them is the extent to which they mirror our own increasingly poor diets and sedentary lifestyles. In that sense, they are as American as it gets.
Greenberg smoked turkey from Tyler, TX will change your mind and inspire those who are already fans. It's a winner! Peppery and moist smoked meats from Texas. And the best part, then you can pivot to focus on sides and pie. 🦃🥧
It's good to appreciate that Native Americans domesticated wild turkeys long before Europeans arrived and also later saved our silly white people asses--they shared food with those who later bit the hand that helped them. For indigenous people, this is not a "holiday", it is a day of mourning. Our history is complex, let's be honest about it regardless of whether we choose to eat turkey, tofu, or tomatillos, at least acknowledge the roots of this tradition.
All of this is total nonsense. Turkeys are intelligent, fiery, stunning creatures — curious, social, full of personality. They want nothing more than to roam, dust-bathe, flare their feathers, and live in peace.
They have zero intention of being strung upside down, killed, and turned into that depressing mountain of pale, plastic-wrapped turkey “units” piled in every supermarket — a grotesque contrast to the vibrant, living beings they once were.
Maybe it’s time we stop celebrating the killing of animals for food. Try putting yourself in the place of the animal for once — the truth hits different when you actually imagine being the one on the line.
Many modern commerical turkey breeds are arguably insipid, bred for everything except actual flavor. Even the commerical turkey breeds of the 1940s are pretty tasty, if you can get them.
But actual wild turkeys? They mostly loiter around in mobs, acting vaguely menacing. "It's a nice driveway you have. It's ours now. We are not impressed by you, or by the dog that you're walking, or by your car. Get off *our* lawn, foolish human, if you know what's good for you."
This was an unexpected delight to read this morning! An earnest celebration of America, laced with self righteousness and humor. Although I've never heard of candied salmon, and I'm not sure I'm happy to contemplate what that might taste like...
'Candied salmon' (formerly known in some quarters by the non-PC moniker, "squaw candy") is a hard-smoked sockeye salmon cured with brine and brown sugar. What results is a a dry, kind of deep crimson stick-like strip of smoky/salty-sweet salmon, chewy in texture, nice as a snack for people who love smoked fish that kinda-sorta tastes like candy.
"The turkey is beautiful, clothed in a dark and shining plumage, a graduated symphony of woodland colors interrupted by the shocking blues and reds of the wattle. The turkey is striking, with its purposeful galliform strut, its fanned tail and its warlike little eyes. The turkey is prolific, capable of producing an amount of meat that crowds our ovens and makes our tables groan. The turkey is delicious, with a distinct, gently gamey flavor that produces incomparable stock. The turkey is ours."
Unamerican Vegan here. So, where you see a litany of reasons to kill and eat these birds, I see reasons to let them alone. And to say that they are prolific, one might think you'd have to be awfully prolific to produce the 50+ million birds we slaughter each year for one day's meal! But only if you think we're going out into the wild hunting turkeys like the pilgrims did. No, they are raised on concentrated feed lots fattened at a pace their legs cannot sustain, artificially inseminated, live short and miserable lives, walk in their own and other turkeys' piss and shit (that's why they get antibiotics in their diets), and are killed on a conveyor belt with quotas that mean inevitably botched jobs.
If this piece is a defense of the turkey, then the turkey needs representation that has his or her best interests at heart.
I go out in the woods and hunt them with a shotgun and turkey calls. You call them into you're location. The wild birds are just as good to eat as the domestics. In places where they're hunted regularly they become really elusive and difficult to get into range, no more than 30 yards or so.
I think the writer's appellation of turkey-avoiders as "unAmerican" was meant to describe people who disdain turkey in favor of other meats at Thanksgiving; I suspect that she is of a generation that respects the preferences of people who are vegetarians or vegans, so you can consider yourself as American as the rest of the Americans reading this blog.
You forget to add that millions of their miserable, chemically-sanitized, artficially-fattened carcasses are then frozen! This accounts for much of the dryness if one neglects "to brine, baste and monitor" in our truly noble, good ol' American way... (Can "noble" really be considered American?) And let's not forget the environmental hazards of the miles and miles of plastic and the kilowatts of electricity needed to keep those poor beasts frozen... We turkey-loving non vegans are on the lookout for neighborhood turkey farms. Keep it local ;)
I’m not a vegan or a vegetarian, but I do try to minimize my meat consumption as much as possible. Turkeys are one of the worst choices if you’re trying to eat ethically, both because of the factory farming you described but also because poultry is excluded from the Humane Methods of Slaughter Act. For people who do want to eat turkey and other poultry and who want to try to do it more ethically, please consider finding a local butcher who can help you make sure your turkey is more ethically sourced. Not all of us are ready or willing to be vegan or vegetarian - like I said, I still eat some meat - but we can try to do it in a more ethical and humane way.
Those all sound like winners to me. Anything with mushrooms or tofu gets my stamp of approval.
Most years I'll make some variation of baked macaroni and cheese with some sort of Vitamixed cashew cheese sauce. This year it will be the mac and cheese with some seasoned air-fried butternut squash mixed in, as well as some peppers and maybe tempeh bacon.
Thank you for this wonderful piece.
Anyone with personal experience with turkeys could tell you they are just about the meanest and stupidest farm animals. And they are delicious and nutritious. Not today vegetarianism, not today!
1. Eating the (almost) National bird? Sacrilege!
2….. Vance joked about the fact that Americans eat turkey on Thanksgiving.
“Turkey, think about turkey,” Vance said. “Who really likes, be honest with yourself, who really likes turkey?”
After a small number of soldiers raised their hands and cheered, Vance told them: “You’re all full of shit. Everybody who raised your hands.”
As the audience laughed, the current frontrunner to be the Republican nominee for president in 2028 added: “Here’s how I know that every single one of you who raised your hand is lying to me: how many times do you roast an 18-pound turkey, just randomly? Just, you know, a nice summer afternoon, we’re going to go get an 18-pound turkey.”
“Nobody does it because turkey doesn’t actually taste that good,” Vance continued. “But on Thanksgiving… the most American holiday, we’re gonna cook a turkey, by God, because that’s what Americans do! We cook this gigantic American bird, and we do all kinds of crazy things to make it taste good.” (quoting The Guardian)
If JD Vance is against turkey, than by God it’s my favorite meat in the world. 😉. Happy leftovers day, everyone.
I’m more of a spiraled ham guy but this is great content. A great defense of the turkey!
I’m sorry but I am going to be that person…
The turkeys on your dinner table are not wild turkeys. They are domestic turkeys who were deliberately bred to be sedentary and are fed a high calorie diet of corn and soy. By the time they are sent to slaughter, they can barely walk. They are so fat and unhealthy that even the lucky ones who are granted a pardon won’t survive for much longer. The average lifespan of these birds is only 3 years.
Animal sanctuaries are able to extend their lifespans far longer, but it takes a deliberate effort to control their feed and get them moving. There is nothing majestic about these poor birds. They were literally bred to suffer and die young. The only American thing about them is the extent to which they mirror our own increasingly poor diets and sedentary lifestyles. In that sense, they are as American as it gets.
Greenberg smoked turkey from Tyler, TX will change your mind and inspire those who are already fans. It's a winner! Peppery and moist smoked meats from Texas. And the best part, then you can pivot to focus on sides and pie. 🦃🥧
This is possibly the greatest piece of work the bulwark has ever produced.
☺️
It's good to appreciate that Native Americans domesticated wild turkeys long before Europeans arrived and also later saved our silly white people asses--they shared food with those who later bit the hand that helped them. For indigenous people, this is not a "holiday", it is a day of mourning. Our history is complex, let's be honest about it regardless of whether we choose to eat turkey, tofu, or tomatillos, at least acknowledge the roots of this tradition.
All of this is total nonsense. Turkeys are intelligent, fiery, stunning creatures — curious, social, full of personality. They want nothing more than to roam, dust-bathe, flare their feathers, and live in peace.
They have zero intention of being strung upside down, killed, and turned into that depressing mountain of pale, plastic-wrapped turkey “units” piled in every supermarket — a grotesque contrast to the vibrant, living beings they once were.
Maybe it’s time we stop celebrating the killing of animals for food. Try putting yourself in the place of the animal for once — the truth hits different when you actually imagine being the one on the line.
Many modern commerical turkey breeds are arguably insipid, bred for everything except actual flavor. Even the commerical turkey breeds of the 1940s are pretty tasty, if you can get them.
But actual wild turkeys? They mostly loiter around in mobs, acting vaguely menacing. "It's a nice driveway you have. It's ours now. We are not impressed by you, or by the dog that you're walking, or by your car. Get off *our* lawn, foolish human, if you know what's good for you."
This was an unexpected delight to read this morning! An earnest celebration of America, laced with self righteousness and humor. Although I've never heard of candied salmon, and I'm not sure I'm happy to contemplate what that might taste like...
'Candied salmon' (formerly known in some quarters by the non-PC moniker, "squaw candy") is a hard-smoked sockeye salmon cured with brine and brown sugar. What results is a a dry, kind of deep crimson stick-like strip of smoky/salty-sweet salmon, chewy in texture, nice as a snack for people who love smoked fish that kinda-sorta tastes like candy.
The turkey is indeed an American original, and the Spaniards introduced it to Europe, but new research using DNA shows a different story than what you have here. See https://www.someonegrewthat.farm/p/ghosts-of-turkeys-past
Bravo!
My favorite meal of the year! Thanks for the great piece!
Great piece!
"The turkey is beautiful, clothed in a dark and shining plumage, a graduated symphony of woodland colors interrupted by the shocking blues and reds of the wattle. The turkey is striking, with its purposeful galliform strut, its fanned tail and its warlike little eyes. The turkey is prolific, capable of producing an amount of meat that crowds our ovens and makes our tables groan. The turkey is delicious, with a distinct, gently gamey flavor that produces incomparable stock. The turkey is ours."
Unamerican Vegan here. So, where you see a litany of reasons to kill and eat these birds, I see reasons to let them alone. And to say that they are prolific, one might think you'd have to be awfully prolific to produce the 50+ million birds we slaughter each year for one day's meal! But only if you think we're going out into the wild hunting turkeys like the pilgrims did. No, they are raised on concentrated feed lots fattened at a pace their legs cannot sustain, artificially inseminated, live short and miserable lives, walk in their own and other turkeys' piss and shit (that's why they get antibiotics in their diets), and are killed on a conveyor belt with quotas that mean inevitably botched jobs.
If this piece is a defense of the turkey, then the turkey needs representation that has his or her best interests at heart.
I go out in the woods and hunt them with a shotgun and turkey calls. You call them into you're location. The wild birds are just as good to eat as the domestics. In places where they're hunted regularly they become really elusive and difficult to get into range, no more than 30 yards or so.
I think the writer's appellation of turkey-avoiders as "unAmerican" was meant to describe people who disdain turkey in favor of other meats at Thanksgiving; I suspect that she is of a generation that respects the preferences of people who are vegetarians or vegans, so you can consider yourself as American as the rest of the Americans reading this blog.
You forget to add that millions of their miserable, chemically-sanitized, artficially-fattened carcasses are then frozen! This accounts for much of the dryness if one neglects "to brine, baste and monitor" in our truly noble, good ol' American way... (Can "noble" really be considered American?) And let's not forget the environmental hazards of the miles and miles of plastic and the kilowatts of electricity needed to keep those poor beasts frozen... We turkey-loving non vegans are on the lookout for neighborhood turkey farms. Keep it local ;)
I’m not a vegan or a vegetarian, but I do try to minimize my meat consumption as much as possible. Turkeys are one of the worst choices if you’re trying to eat ethically, both because of the factory farming you described but also because poultry is excluded from the Humane Methods of Slaughter Act. For people who do want to eat turkey and other poultry and who want to try to do it more ethically, please consider finding a local butcher who can help you make sure your turkey is more ethically sourced. Not all of us are ready or willing to be vegan or vegetarian - like I said, I still eat some meat - but we can try to do it in a more ethical and humane way.
Less is always better and your efforts are appreciated and do make a difference. The perfect can't be the enemy of the good.
What's your go to main? This year I'm going with air fried tofu and a homemade mushroom gravy. But I'm also a big fan of roasted oyster mushrooms.
Those all sound like winners to me. Anything with mushrooms or tofu gets my stamp of approval.
Most years I'll make some variation of baked macaroni and cheese with some sort of Vitamixed cashew cheese sauce. This year it will be the mac and cheese with some seasoned air-fried butternut squash mixed in, as well as some peppers and maybe tempeh bacon.