Thanks JVL. I think we need some balance in our lives, and this treatise was a nice departure from the usual fare. As for me, I was never a "good" athlete. I played a few sports in K-12, but was never even an average player at the high school level. Though it helped me appreciate the work and determination it takes to become good in a sport. None of my coaches were anything to write home about, but they weren't evil masochists either. One of my problems was that I enjoyed myself the same in a game we lost as I did in a game we won. Most of the time I couldn't even tell you whether we won or lost. I was too busy just trying to remember what I was supposed to do. I still believe that playing sports as a part of growing up is like most activities, it makes you a bit more well-rounded and adds some tools to your general tool chest for dealing with future life issues. As for fairness, I learned fairly young that the world is neither fair nor unfair, it just is. Fairness is a subjectiveness that individuals apply to the world. And I am the same as everyone else in that regard, but I at least try to respect the other travelers that I meet in life, and to not make their lives any harder than they already are. And sometimes I even manage to lighted someone's load a bit.
I had fallen behind in reading the Triad (not for the first time), and this is why I always make the effort to go back and catch up. I really needed this today.
One of your best pieces. Thanks for the perspective of the universality of sports. It’s a game way before the athlete considers it a business. And even then, when it is a business, there is no mistaking the fact that it’s still a game with a little boy or girl inside rounding third and sliding into home.
Love your stories about kids' sports, I recall a Secret Pod a few years back around Xmas time. You were coaching your daughter's middle school hoops team and relayed a tale about the sheer obnoxiousness of an opposing team's coach and its effect on his team. Would that every ump and coach shared your views. Thanks for taking my mind off everything else.
Your thoughts caused me reconsider some generalizations I'd developed over the years. I grew up in Seattle in the late 60's and 70's and saw a significant shift away from emphasizing competitiveness. In the early 70's, youth sports teams changed from awarding a trophy or two to the team's most valuable players to awarding every kiddo a participation trophy. High schools didn't recognize valedictorians. These struck me as deemphasizing competitiveness in exchange for participation.
I thought the deemphasis of competitiveness was a loss as participation in sports are a great forum for developing character. And some of the dynamics that come along with competitiveness are useful in life:
- Many aspects of one's career are competitive.
- Outcomes in sports and life aren't always fair.
But as you note, the other values one gets from participating in sports are probably more important than aspects associated with winning.
- Work hard. Improve your skills. Try your best.
- Work together. There's no I in team.
- Win and lose with dignity.
- Enjoy the ride. You'll cherish the friendships you form and your collective efforts for your lifetime.
I don't think emphasizing competitiveness and character development are mutually exclusive. I tried my best to do both in the couple of decades where I was fortunate enough to coach youth and high school sports.
JVL, I've written about youth and interscholastic sports in detail. "The Quality of Effort: Integrity in Sport and Life for Student-Athletes, Parents, and Coaches" was published in 1991 and a revised edition came out in 2013.
JVL I agree - if sports should be about leadership and character then the young woman in Sacramento who was bumped from the state cross country state spot is right to be upset. She took summer school so she could spend more time running in the school year. She was the captain and led fundraisers and held team meetings. She improved her times with hard work. Then she was bumped by a trans girl who transferred from another school who it is alleged missed practices. The first page of the complaint against PENN states that the coach bragged that he had a secret weapon join the team. Lea Thomas who it is alleged did not work as hard in practices. Using flashes experience. Should these athletes who clearly have advantages like flash be asked to do more. It is actually coaches who prioritized competition who are part of the problem and part of what you seem to criticize. The volleyball team from Hawaii who forfeited a game with the trans girl did so because they were worried about being injured. Not winning. I think your intention regarding inclusion are noble but I think you are unaware of some real world examples
I really needed some good JVL in my inbox this morning. Have always believed that all teams/athletes need to learn how to lose, and how to learn from losing
In other comments I've written that my son is an elite swimmer. He's one of the lucky gifted athletes that puts him in the less than top 1% in the country. This isn't exactly a money making sport. Yes there are a few pros and Phelps made a fortune but the odds of that are far less that making it in the NBA.
What swimming at that level has taught him is critical life lessons. He loves to compete and he loves to win but it's not the end of the world if he loses a race. There's always another opportunity to race. He likes to say that if he gets beat, the winner better set some kind of record, even if it's a personal best because he's going to make them work as hard as they can. He also knows to win with grace. At his level everyone has worked incredibly hard to get there and often the difference is 0.01 seconds. That's a slightly faster touch because they're at the wall at the same time.
He knows how to be a team player and how to support his teammates. He's been in meets where he could have sandbagged and swum in a couple of events that are important to him. Instead he swam in others and scored points. He was not as well rested for his best events and perhaps sacrificed a little time.
His coaches were critical to his development. As parents we can only do so much because they need to hear another set of voices telling them what good character and hard work mean.
There was a time when he was far from being one of the fastest kids in the pool. Even if he didn't make it to the level he's on, the life lessons would be there. That part is that's been the constant for him. Work hard, do your best, be a good teammate and always show grace and empathy. The rest is just gravy.
I very much like what JVL says about sports and character, but take mild issue with his down playing of competitativenss. A long time ago, after college I took up squash. At that time there was an up and coming squash player -- let's just call him by his first name Mike. He went to Harvard, and he never lost a match in 4 years of college. It's possible he never lost a game. One of my friends used to practice with Mike. He told me that Mike would get furious with himself if he lost a point in practice. Now look at amateur wrestling. One of the legends is Dan Gable, who never lost a match in high school, and then never lost a match in college until he was beaten in the finals of his last NCAA tournament. Then he won gold medal at the olympics, and then set a record as the winningest wrestling coach in collegiate history. That record is about to be broken by Cael Sanderson, another olympic gold medalist, who coaches Penn State. Though very different sports, these three have something in common -- near supernatural focus and competitiveness. I do agree with JVL that real athletes are at their most competitive in workouts and practice. In fact I heard and believe that at both Iowa and Penn State, it's relief for wrestlers to get on the match for match,because it's not nearly as intense as practice.
I sometimes joke that professional football is about the fans of 31 teams learning to cope with disappointment. But that perspective doesn't always have to be viewed as a joke.
Thanks for this reflection. I really believe all kids need the opportunity to participate in organized sports and I know this is not a reality in many communities and schools. My kids both benefited greatly from their participation, but when super competitive coaches/parents were inserted into the game, it tended to taint their experience and sour their feelings about the sport.
i like your insight and devotion to your children's athletic development. i appreciate you encouraging your daughter and coaching her so she had an opportunity (even if she didn't)- that is truly commendable. i think all children deserve the opportunity to achieve, strive, develop, learn teamwork, and learn how to win and lose. these are critical character skills and every child should have the opportunity to play. i hope your son does make the big leagues - we can always use good pitchers out here in Seattle.
thank you for the personal stories, JVL. I've got two words for you: "Ted Lasso ". I'm thinking you may not have seen it, because the show makes your points so wonderfully, I feel like you would have had to mention it in your article. If you haven't seen it, I'm pretty sure you will love and appreciate it. So positive and inspiring.
Interesting piece but it strayed from the point made at the beginning: that trans women should not play in women's sports. Life is unfair but why make it more unfair than it already is.
I agree with the author's first footnote--rowing crew is masochistic. I rowed lightweight crew for one year. That was enough for me. And I agree with his emphasis on learning how to deal with losing. I am a mediocre athlete so I've lost many tennis matches over the years. But I still enjoy playing.
It wasn't about trans women playing in women's in and of itself, either here or in the original conversation with Sarah. It was a more nuanced take where there are instances that can absolutely be unfair in a tangible way - trans woman gets a money contract over a woman born in a female body for instance. And there are instances where he believes it's not really an issue (or shouldn't be) - basically any sport where it's not about money or a career. I tend to agree with him because the fairness argument can be used in many places. Why should a poor kid have to compete against a rich kid in anything, be it college admission, sport, etc? Why does a coloured/immigrant person have to be twice as good as a white person to get a promotion in most cases? This reply is not an attack on you so please do not take it in that way, but your post had a great point that tied in with what I wanted to say on the subject. I agree wholeheartedly on rowing by the way, and the lessons sport teaches, which is why the subject is important.
"Life isn't fair but why make it more unfair than it is". That's a valid argument that carries a lot of weight, but let's turn the lens around because fairness often depends on where you are standing. A girl is born in a female body, grows in that body and takes an interest in sport. She has middling talent but is no star, she just enjoys the game and loves being a part of a team. Another girl was born at the same time in a different hospital, but life was unfair to her and she was born in a male body. She grows in that body but life is hard, and she also takes an interest in sport. She has middling talent but is no star, she just enjoys the game and it makes her feel she's the same as everyone else.
In their teens these girls end up at the same school, although the second girl is going through transition. People tell the girl born in the wrong body that it is unfair that she be allowed to play sport against girls born in the right body. She cannot be a member of the girls team and because she's a girl she cannot play on the boys team. Neither girl is at fault here, but society says there is a problem of fairness.
Life is unfair and quite often the answer is not black and white. What is fair or not can depend on which side of the argument you stand. Is it fair a young girl born in the wrong body cannot play sport? Is it fair to the girl born in the right body that she has to play against someone who might be stronger or faster? Who should decide which girl unfairness gets handed to, because a choice needs to be made in this situation?
Life is unfair, but why make it more unfair than it is?
No I won't because I know a girl who had to suffer through the ignorance of others. She is now who she knew she always was, but the pain of the past still stays with her.
Thanks JVL. I think we need some balance in our lives, and this treatise was a nice departure from the usual fare. As for me, I was never a "good" athlete. I played a few sports in K-12, but was never even an average player at the high school level. Though it helped me appreciate the work and determination it takes to become good in a sport. None of my coaches were anything to write home about, but they weren't evil masochists either. One of my problems was that I enjoyed myself the same in a game we lost as I did in a game we won. Most of the time I couldn't even tell you whether we won or lost. I was too busy just trying to remember what I was supposed to do. I still believe that playing sports as a part of growing up is like most activities, it makes you a bit more well-rounded and adds some tools to your general tool chest for dealing with future life issues. As for fairness, I learned fairly young that the world is neither fair nor unfair, it just is. Fairness is a subjectiveness that individuals apply to the world. And I am the same as everyone else in that regard, but I at least try to respect the other travelers that I meet in life, and to not make their lives any harder than they already are. And sometimes I even manage to lighted someone's load a bit.
I had fallen behind in reading the Triad (not for the first time), and this is why I always make the effort to go back and catch up. I really needed this today.
One of your best pieces. Thanks for the perspective of the universality of sports. It’s a game way before the athlete considers it a business. And even then, when it is a business, there is no mistaking the fact that it’s still a game with a little boy or girl inside rounding third and sliding into home.
Love your stories about kids' sports, I recall a Secret Pod a few years back around Xmas time. You were coaching your daughter's middle school hoops team and relayed a tale about the sheer obnoxiousness of an opposing team's coach and its effect on his team. Would that every ump and coach shared your views. Thanks for taking my mind off everything else.
Your thoughts caused me reconsider some generalizations I'd developed over the years. I grew up in Seattle in the late 60's and 70's and saw a significant shift away from emphasizing competitiveness. In the early 70's, youth sports teams changed from awarding a trophy or two to the team's most valuable players to awarding every kiddo a participation trophy. High schools didn't recognize valedictorians. These struck me as deemphasizing competitiveness in exchange for participation.
I thought the deemphasis of competitiveness was a loss as participation in sports are a great forum for developing character. And some of the dynamics that come along with competitiveness are useful in life:
- Many aspects of one's career are competitive.
- Outcomes in sports and life aren't always fair.
But as you note, the other values one gets from participating in sports are probably more important than aspects associated with winning.
- Work hard. Improve your skills. Try your best.
- Work together. There's no I in team.
- Win and lose with dignity.
- Enjoy the ride. You'll cherish the friendships you form and your collective efforts for your lifetime.
I don't think emphasizing competitiveness and character development are mutually exclusive. I tried my best to do both in the couple of decades where I was fortunate enough to coach youth and high school sports.
I love love love when you talk about your kids. You sound like a great dad.
JVL, I've written about youth and interscholastic sports in detail. "The Quality of Effort: Integrity in Sport and Life for Student-Athletes, Parents, and Coaches" was published in 1991 and a revised edition came out in 2013.
https://www.amazon.com/Quality-Effort-Integrity-Student-Athletes-Parents/dp/0962782858/
For a thorough (but by no means final) look at the questions around transgender athletes, take a look at Jamie Wheal's March 20, 2025 take: https://jamiewheal.substack.com/p/dude-swims-like-a-lady-ba7
JVL I agree - if sports should be about leadership and character then the young woman in Sacramento who was bumped from the state cross country state spot is right to be upset. She took summer school so she could spend more time running in the school year. She was the captain and led fundraisers and held team meetings. She improved her times with hard work. Then she was bumped by a trans girl who transferred from another school who it is alleged missed practices. The first page of the complaint against PENN states that the coach bragged that he had a secret weapon join the team. Lea Thomas who it is alleged did not work as hard in practices. Using flashes experience. Should these athletes who clearly have advantages like flash be asked to do more. It is actually coaches who prioritized competition who are part of the problem and part of what you seem to criticize. The volleyball team from Hawaii who forfeited a game with the trans girl did so because they were worried about being injured. Not winning. I think your intention regarding inclusion are noble but I think you are unaware of some real world examples
I really needed some good JVL in my inbox this morning. Have always believed that all teams/athletes need to learn how to lose, and how to learn from losing
In other comments I've written that my son is an elite swimmer. He's one of the lucky gifted athletes that puts him in the less than top 1% in the country. This isn't exactly a money making sport. Yes there are a few pros and Phelps made a fortune but the odds of that are far less that making it in the NBA.
What swimming at that level has taught him is critical life lessons. He loves to compete and he loves to win but it's not the end of the world if he loses a race. There's always another opportunity to race. He likes to say that if he gets beat, the winner better set some kind of record, even if it's a personal best because he's going to make them work as hard as they can. He also knows to win with grace. At his level everyone has worked incredibly hard to get there and often the difference is 0.01 seconds. That's a slightly faster touch because they're at the wall at the same time.
He knows how to be a team player and how to support his teammates. He's been in meets where he could have sandbagged and swum in a couple of events that are important to him. Instead he swam in others and scored points. He was not as well rested for his best events and perhaps sacrificed a little time.
His coaches were critical to his development. As parents we can only do so much because they need to hear another set of voices telling them what good character and hard work mean.
There was a time when he was far from being one of the fastest kids in the pool. Even if he didn't make it to the level he's on, the life lessons would be there. That part is that's been the constant for him. Work hard, do your best, be a good teammate and always show grace and empathy. The rest is just gravy.
I very much like what JVL says about sports and character, but take mild issue with his down playing of competitativenss. A long time ago, after college I took up squash. At that time there was an up and coming squash player -- let's just call him by his first name Mike. He went to Harvard, and he never lost a match in 4 years of college. It's possible he never lost a game. One of my friends used to practice with Mike. He told me that Mike would get furious with himself if he lost a point in practice. Now look at amateur wrestling. One of the legends is Dan Gable, who never lost a match in high school, and then never lost a match in college until he was beaten in the finals of his last NCAA tournament. Then he won gold medal at the olympics, and then set a record as the winningest wrestling coach in collegiate history. That record is about to be broken by Cael Sanderson, another olympic gold medalist, who coaches Penn State. Though very different sports, these three have something in common -- near supernatural focus and competitiveness. I do agree with JVL that real athletes are at their most competitive in workouts and practice. In fact I heard and believe that at both Iowa and Penn State, it's relief for wrestlers to get on the match for match,because it's not nearly as intense as practice.
I sometimes joke that professional football is about the fans of 31 teams learning to cope with disappointment. But that perspective doesn't always have to be viewed as a joke.
Thanks for this reflection. I really believe all kids need the opportunity to participate in organized sports and I know this is not a reality in many communities and schools. My kids both benefited greatly from their participation, but when super competitive coaches/parents were inserted into the game, it tended to taint their experience and sour their feelings about the sport.
i like your insight and devotion to your children's athletic development. i appreciate you encouraging your daughter and coaching her so she had an opportunity (even if she didn't)- that is truly commendable. i think all children deserve the opportunity to achieve, strive, develop, learn teamwork, and learn how to win and lose. these are critical character skills and every child should have the opportunity to play. i hope your son does make the big leagues - we can always use good pitchers out here in Seattle.
thank you for the personal stories, JVL. I've got two words for you: "Ted Lasso ". I'm thinking you may not have seen it, because the show makes your points so wonderfully, I feel like you would have had to mention it in your article. If you haven't seen it, I'm pretty sure you will love and appreciate it. So positive and inspiring.
Interesting piece but it strayed from the point made at the beginning: that trans women should not play in women's sports. Life is unfair but why make it more unfair than it already is.
I agree with the author's first footnote--rowing crew is masochistic. I rowed lightweight crew for one year. That was enough for me. And I agree with his emphasis on learning how to deal with losing. I am a mediocre athlete so I've lost many tennis matches over the years. But I still enjoy playing.
It wasn't about trans women playing in women's in and of itself, either here or in the original conversation with Sarah. It was a more nuanced take where there are instances that can absolutely be unfair in a tangible way - trans woman gets a money contract over a woman born in a female body for instance. And there are instances where he believes it's not really an issue (or shouldn't be) - basically any sport where it's not about money or a career. I tend to agree with him because the fairness argument can be used in many places. Why should a poor kid have to compete against a rich kid in anything, be it college admission, sport, etc? Why does a coloured/immigrant person have to be twice as good as a white person to get a promotion in most cases? This reply is not an attack on you so please do not take it in that way, but your post had a great point that tied in with what I wanted to say on the subject. I agree wholeheartedly on rowing by the way, and the lessons sport teaches, which is why the subject is important.
"Life isn't fair but why make it more unfair than it is". That's a valid argument that carries a lot of weight, but let's turn the lens around because fairness often depends on where you are standing. A girl is born in a female body, grows in that body and takes an interest in sport. She has middling talent but is no star, she just enjoys the game and loves being a part of a team. Another girl was born at the same time in a different hospital, but life was unfair to her and she was born in a male body. She grows in that body but life is hard, and she also takes an interest in sport. She has middling talent but is no star, she just enjoys the game and it makes her feel she's the same as everyone else.
In their teens these girls end up at the same school, although the second girl is going through transition. People tell the girl born in the wrong body that it is unfair that she be allowed to play sport against girls born in the right body. She cannot be a member of the girls team and because she's a girl she cannot play on the boys team. Neither girl is at fault here, but society says there is a problem of fairness.
Life is unfair and quite often the answer is not black and white. What is fair or not can depend on which side of the argument you stand. Is it fair a young girl born in the wrong body cannot play sport? Is it fair to the girl born in the right body that she has to play against someone who might be stronger or faster? Who should decide which girl unfairness gets handed to, because a choice needs to be made in this situation?
Life is unfair, but why make it more unfair than it is?
"Another girl was born at the same time in a different hospital, but life was unfair to her and she was born in a male body."
In 10 years you are going to be embarrassed that you wrote this.
No I won't because I know a girl who had to suffer through the ignorance of others. She is now who she knew she always was, but the pain of the past still stays with her.
Let’s check in in 10 years and see how you feel then.