Laura Loomer Gets Roasted on Trip to India
Plus: Disgraced manfluencer declares victory, reveals true colors.
Welcome back to False Flag! With the Strait of Hormuz still closed to most tanker traffic, Donald Trump is focusing on the things that matter—things like podcaster Megyn Kelly’s accusation that Fox News host Mark Levin is poorly endowed.
Over the weekend, Kelly repeatedly charged Levin, with whom she’s been feuding over the war with Iran, of having a “micropenis.” She did not offer evidence to corroborate her claim.
The schlong and the short of it: While not specifically addressing the size of Levin’s tallywacker, Trump stepped in to praise the conservative commentator, stressing that he was “somewhat under siege” by critics. On Monday, Kelly responded, saying that Levin had essentially tattled to the teacher. She promptly delivered another penis jab.
“As you know, the only people who act like they have the ‘big swinging’ are the ones that don’t,” Kelly said on her podcast.
All of this fighting is making fellow conservative pundits a little nervous. In a fit of desperation, Glenn Beck and others endorsed an essay posted by right-wing pundit Matt Van Swol on Monday arguing, essentially, that it’s not good to have your party’s leading media figures tearing each other’s heads off eight months before the midterms.
Unfortunately for Beck, playing nice is not the economic incentive that prevails in the MAGA media hothouse! Fortunately for you, I’ve got my eyes squarely on that hothouse, including for today’s newsletter, which looks at Laura Loomer’s travels abroad. The Trumpist firebrand decided to meet with some of the targets of her hate only to find out—shockingly!—they don’t like her much.
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–Will
Loomer flops in India
FAR-RIGHT ACTIVIST AND DONALD TRUMP ADVISER Laura Loomer has hit the global stage. Over the weekend, she traveled to New Delhi with her new fiancé to relay a message from Trump to India’s 1.43 billion people.
“I love India! Please let them know I love India,” Loomer said on stage at the India Today Conclave, reading a message she said the president had given to her.
Unfortunately, many of those in attendance did not seem to reciprocate the sentiment—at least not toward Loomer. That’s because they have access to the internet, and could easily look up the speaker’s many attacks on their country and its people, like the time she said Kamala Harris would make the White House smell like curry.
“India does have running water,” Loomer wrote in another particularly vulgar example from December 2024. “It just runs out of people’s asses.”
That specific insult didn’t come up during the nearly fifty-minute session featuring Loomer. But both the moderators and a journalist in the audience did push her on her outward bigotry toward Indians.
“I think you should do more than just express regret!” said reporter Rajdeep Sardesai, as Loomer looked on impassively. “From what I can see, you’re brazenly racist and Islamophobic.”
Loomer appears to have thought she could make common cause with Hindu nationalists in India over a shared hatred for Muslims, and peppered her speech with attacks on both Muslims and Muslim-majority Pakistan.
“Pakistan is not sending their best!” Loomer said at one point, to applause and approving looks from the audience.
The session was a reminder that the ultra-MAGA shtick that has provided people like Loomer with an immense amount of power in the United States doesn’t always play so well with international audiences. And, to be clear, she does have immense power.
At the beginning of her event, Loomer broke some news about her relationship with Trump, saying that she had spoken on the phone with the president just an hour before the event—and not only that, but three times last week alone. That’s quite a lot of access for someone considered too hot to touch for almost every other politician in America.
But Loomer also revealed that she has designs on a job inside the White House (she said she’s currently being blacklisted by some staff), and she even hinted that she would like to succeed Karoline Leavitt in the role of press secretary. As for her current work, she said she’s looking to get more “jihadist sympathizers” fired from the administration.
After the conference, Loomer posed for photos at the Taj Mahal—a “monument of love,” as she put it. For some reason, she did not note in her caption that it was built by Muslims.
Elijah Schaffer returns post–sex scandal
TRADITIONAL FAMILY VALUES manfluencer Elijah Schaffer saw his career implode in early February amid revelations that he had filed for divorce after an alleged affair with fellow conservative pundit Sarah Stock. But now Schaffer is trying to bounce back, this time remaking himself as a sort of cool, philandering type.
“The worst they could find was the fact that my dick works,” Schaffer said of his critics. “Oops!”
In a late February livestream marking his post-affair return to the internet after a brief absence, Schaffer fumed about his sex life becoming the stuff of online gossip.1 He also accused a member of his now estranged wife’s family of sending the allegations in an email to his detractors, including right-wing provocateur Milo Yiannopoulos.
Schaffer complained that his fair-weather fans had abandoned him for a “gay Jew” (Yiannopoulos) instead of believing the word of “a brand-new Christian” (Schaffer himself).
Already facing a restraining order from his wife, Schaffer seemed to be taking serious precautions not to get sued. The broadcast was heavily edited. And partway through, he made a strange pronouncement that everything he was saying was satirical and that none of it could be used in court—a disclaimer of questionable legality.
The comments from the broadcast’s viewers suggested that Schaffer’s credibility had indeed taken a hit.
“Career over,” declared one, with another writing “bro sucks.”
Schaffer also used the broadcast to address the allegations that he’s on a cocktail of hazily sourced Chinese peptides, including one that makes his skin orange (see picture above). Schaffer confirmed that he was on several peptides, though he didn’t specify if they were Chinese in origin. He suggested that he was doing it to try and look hot.
“Now looksmaxxing is a crime?” Schaffer said.
At the culmination of the broadcast, Schaffer tried to rip up a printed version of the email “dossier” his wife’s family had supposedly circulated about his sexual peccadilloes. But he wasn’t quite strong enough to do it, so he began ripping individual pages and then smaller groupings of them.
“You know what I think of this dossier?” he said, trying and failing to tear the papers. “I don’t even know! Can I even get this?”
Fortunately, he had an explanation for why he was struggling to tear the thin stack of pages: He hadn’t had his peptides in a while.
In the two weeks since the livestream appeared on YouTube, it has had fewer than 10,000 views.
Wait…is turning your skin orange looksmaxxing, a tribute to the Orange God King, or both? Asking for a friend…
Wouldn’t Usha Vance be a better choice for a good will diplomatic trip to India? Or is she still busy trying to conquer Greenland?